so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
