Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
