Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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