a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize