the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
