youre lurking in front of me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
