if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
