god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
