I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
