Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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