i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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