I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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