Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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