dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
