textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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