The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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