If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
