After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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