dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
