she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize