So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
