my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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