I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
