I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
