I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I got inside last night via doggy door
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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