you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
