I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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