i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
