don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
