I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
