I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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