my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
