trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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