At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
