I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
