I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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