party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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