i think i have two assholes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
