She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
