so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
