My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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