I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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