I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
