It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just gargled with NyQuil
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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