How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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