i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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