if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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