I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
