3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
