did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
