I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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