yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
barbara walters just said penis...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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