Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize