I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You are a genius and a whore.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
