nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
