My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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