I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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