I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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