I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
