dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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