Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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