I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
