just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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