i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
