just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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