my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize