so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
