I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
