Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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