Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
