"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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